I have often wondered about why people fall in love. And, I have been told that unlike in animals, humans look for more than sex. They redefine sex as sexuality, that is, one's sexual abilities are recast as constituents of one's identity. One dresses 'up', one looks 'pretty', one is 'coy' and a host of other things. Soon even in non-sexual spaces, one gets an opportunity to express ones 'mating' behaviour. This leads to attraction and courtship and soon what is primarily sexual becomes socio-cultural. The institution of marriage is an excellent case in point. Therefore, people talk of the sense of humour, honesty, intelligence and a host of non-sexual attributes as the criterion for loving each other. In banal terms, we call them 'turn ons'. Why do we hunt for these attributes? Are we too embarrassed to admit our primary drives? Are they absolutely irrelevant in the course of 'falling in love'? I guess not.
Over a period of time human activities expand beyond hunting and gathering food, cooking, nursing family and procreating. With resources, machines and civilization we have leisure and activities that fill up our leisure. We read, watch plays, paint, play games and talk and listen to each other. Increasingly, these activities assume significance in our lives and they inform our 'basic' activities.
Soon, we replace eating and food with the notion of 'cuisine', 'work' increasingly incorporates 'play' and sex is aestheticised in art. As all of this happens, 'love' becomes a complicated affair. Or, we pretend that what is basic to be evolved!
I think we need to re-phrase the question? What sustains happiness between two people when they do not procreate? Many relationships break because people do not focus on being happy in togetherness. Instead, we build our own fairy castles in the air and look for their realization through others. Love becomes the oppressive heat of May.
Where is the love that we have lost to living, to honeymoons, fine-dining and Pattaya and Venice? O love why is so much labour lost? Let us not revel in the spirit of poor Orsino and say: "Let music be the food of love". Let us instead, learn to give, care and be happy in the 'other's' world.
2 comments:
Let me be the first to congratulate you for writing this post, Arani (it's just a few hours since you posted it)! What made you muse in this vein, I wonder? Could it be (or do I flatter myself) something that I had said on my own blog recently? In any case, as always, it's good to read something new on your blog again after a very long wait.
You have touched upon many facets of a very ancient and puzzling subject. Let me comment on just one or two. For one thing, I have often felt that love de-linked from sexuality, and even more so from its socially-prescribed/proscribed norms is a truer love indeed, and for another, pleasure in togetherness and caring and giving is what true love is about. One thing I am sure of: teenagers in hot pants (or else holding hands and gazing at the moon) know very little about love, though, alas, most 'love stories' talk about their brief summer madness. And lastly, I shall not make the mistake of thinking that 'true love' is limited to the romantic heterosexual attachment between pairs of human beings alone...I have written about this before (see http://suvrobemused.blogspot.com/2009/02/poems.html if you like).
Have a very Happy New Year ahead. And please do write a little more often.
Sir
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